THATS IT?

So your probably wondering what my title means. "that's it" well. I had my surgery last week and it went very well. After getting a spinal and going through a ten min surgery, my only response at the end was...That's it? It was so simple. I don't know what I was freaking out about. The spinal didn't hurt, and the surgery was so quick and fun..lol .. I say fun because I was all drugged up and loopy and kept falling asleep during our conversation about Opera. Every time I would start talking I would fall asleep. I think the only uncomfortable part was the numbing medication. It stung for about 5 seconds, which isn't bad at all. So I went in about 7 am. Surgery was around 9am. and I was home by 12:30 pm. My back hurt for a couple of days because of the spinal and I convinced myself every morning that my water was broken. I'm still paranoid about everything, but its alot better knowing that this baby wont just fall out..Sorry if that's a lot of info there ;0)

I went back to the Dr on wed I think.. They checked the stitches and made sure I didn't have an infection. And did an ultrasound to make sure my water didn't break and that the baby was ok. And sure enough, everything is fine. The baby was big and all I could see at first was his/her little and legs. It was so cute.

I was reading this woman's blog who is 34 weeks pregnant. She lost a baby at 10 weeks, another at 21 weeks and another one at 24 weeks. It was horrible. She was 34 weeks along and still had no connection with her baby. Even being so far along she doesn't believe that this baby will live. Like its to good to be true. We all know that she is far along enough that her baby is going to be fine. But after losing a child...or 3, I guess you just stop believing that it will ever work out..even at 34 weeks.

I started thinking about how this pregnancy is different then my last. I realized that Jason and I relate a lot to this woman. I haven't talked to this baby, sang to this baby, read baby books or magazines. Im not as excited and I don't have the connection with this one like I did with Ava. I felt the baby move yesterday for the first time. Ive felt flutters but I really felt her/him yesterday. And I didn't freak out like I did with the first one. I dont really know how to explain it. But just like that woman, I still dont believe that everything is going to be ok. Jason and I talked about how different this pregnancy was. We came to the conclusion that we are scared and are guarding ourselves from being hurt again. which I suppose is normal. I just feel bad. I don't love this baby any less or more then Ava...I just haven't been able to connect yet. make sense? I suppose as time goes by it will get better and I will get that motherly joy that moms get. But I dont think im going to be able to rest or believe it until I have the baby. I guess we will see.

sorry this is so long. did anyone read it? its OK it you don't..um yeah. I will keep everyone updated.

GRACE BAPTIST TOMORROW 7:00 pm. BE THERE!!

scared.

My day has been hell. The feeling is really hard to describe. I cant tell I'm just emotional from being pregnant or if I'm just a nervous wreck. Tomorrow I'm getting my cerclage put it. I wasn't really freaked out about it at all. I was/am scared because I'm getting a spinal..ouch..but that's the least of my worries now. I went to the Dr today for a check up and to get the info on the surgery tomorrow. Dr. Dillon tells me that there are risks with this surgery. Which is expected I suppose. He tells me that there is a chance that the membranes rupture..whatever that means..So there is a chance that two days, maybe even a week after the surgery the baby can die. GREAT. Just what I needed to hear. So he basically tells me that He isn't telling me not to get the surgery but he also not telling me that its really needed. He said most women lose 2-3 babies before they are told they need a cerclage..And I'm sorry, but I'm not OK with that. I'm not going to lose 3 babies before I do something about it..So here are my choices. Get the surgery and hope to go full term and have healthy baby with the risk of it dying because of the procedure...or.... don't get the cerclage and maybe have a healthy baby in the end with the high risk of losing the baby early because of my history... Either way I'm risking my babies life. I hate that I have to make that choice. But I have to remember that either way its in Gods hands not mine. I just cant help thinking that my decision could kill my baby. I know that sounds very vulgar..but its how I feel. To tell you the truth , I will not be able to handle losing another baby. I cant...But you know what. I'm sure the Dr has to tell me the risks..its part of his job. and in the end everything will be ok. That's what I'm praying for. I have really felt that the Lord had his hand on this pregnancy the whole time. He helped me from the beginning and when the Dr's didn't give me much hope he did..and everything turned out great. So yeah..I'm probably freaking out about nothing.

So I have to be at the hospital at 7 am and the surgery will be around 9. It will take about 15 mins.. Which is awesome. I will stay there for a part of the day and go home for a week of very exciting bed rest. Come visit me please!! I would love it.. hospital or at home..I don't care. I would love to have people over to keep me company. Until then, keep us in your prayers. pray that everything goes well before and after surgery. And that I don't have a complete breakdown. thank you!!