babies first christmas

I still have to upload some more pictures from Christmas. but here is what I have so far. yeah, they all have Tyler in them. It is his first Christmas though.

I was pretty happy with this holiday. It actually felt like Christmas. For some reason thanksgiving was just another day to me. I dont know why. I just couldnt get in to it. Maybe because there is so more meaning to Christmas. I dunno. But it was pretty cool. Jason and I went to Christmas eve service at church. that was awesome. they turned off the lights and little by little everyone lit a candle. pretty soon the whole room was bright again. but by candle light. Jason and I also got to light a candle with 4 other couples who had babies this year. It was special to us because it was Tylers first Christmas and he is such a blessing to us. Then we went to my aunts house and opened gifts with the family. I love my family. I look forward to the holidays because we seem to spend a crazy amount of time together and im totally ok with that. I have amazing aunts and uncles, cousin, and grandparents. . Every family has their drama, but no matter what you cant help but love them. I have so much fun when Im with them. They are so supportive and caring. I really dont know what I would do without my family. well. this could go on forever. I would write more but the baby finally fell asleep and im soo tired! so here are some pictures. I will put some more up later. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

guilt..

What a weird emotion to feel at such a random time. I was just sitting here (1:30 am) looking at pictures of Tyler and thinking about how much I love him. And for some reason I felt this overwhelming pain come over me. Its hard to explain. Its like I feel bad for loving him so much and for being so happy I have him. If Ava would have lived then I wouldn't have Tyler. And I cant imagine life without him. And at the same time I'm crying because she isn't here. I miss her so much and love her so much. And I do wish that she would be here right now. But then I wouldn't have him. this is the first time I have cried over her since I had Tyler and that makes me feel horrible. I didn't replace her with him but I feel guilty. Its really hard to explain. Its just a terrible pain to deal with. I was in labor with Tyler on October 30Th. That is the date that I had her. I feel like that day was taken away from her because I didn't even have time to think about her and remember her. I think about how much I love Tyler and all the amazing thing I have and will experience with him. And it makes me sad to know that I once had a baby girl but missed out on her life because she was taken away so soon. What kind of memories would we have had? what was her personality going to be like? would she look more like me or Jason. the only memories I have of her are feeling her move around in my stomach and those two hours she was here. I remember how she put her tiny hand on her cheek and cuddled up to the blanket. I remember how beautiful she was even though she was so tiny! I thank God that I wasn't able to really remember anything except for those moments.. Sorry if this is really sad you guys. I didn't mean for it to be. I just don't understand why I'm feeling so guilty. And I'm trying to figure out if its normal or if I'm just a bad mom. I think I just need some sleep and I will feel better in the morning. ...I know that God has amazing plans for my life and for Tyler's life and everything happens for a reason. And I also know that God used Ava is amazing ways. Even though she wasn't here that long. I just thought that the random breakdowns were over. I guess not. but I'm fine! now worries ;0) I suppose this is all normal. I just need to trust in God and know that he has a plan and a reason for everything he does.