Friday, December 28, 2007
guilt..
What a weird emotion to feel at such a random time. I was just sitting here (1:30 am) looking at pictures of Tyler and thinking about how much I love him. And for some reason I felt this overwhelming pain come over me. Its hard to explain. Its like I feel bad for loving him so much and for being so happy I have him. If Ava would have lived then I wouldn't have Tyler. And I cant imagine life without him. And at the same time I'm crying because she isn't here. I miss her so much and love her so much. And I do wish that she would be here right now. But then I wouldn't have him. this is the first time I have cried over her since I had Tyler and that makes me feel horrible. I didn't replace her with him but I feel guilty. Its really hard to explain. Its just a terrible pain to deal with. I was in labor with Tyler on October 30Th. That is the date that I had her. I feel like that day was taken away from her because I didn't even have time to think about her and remember her. I think about how much I love Tyler and all the amazing thing I have and will experience with him. And it makes me sad to know that I once had a baby girl but missed out on her life because she was taken away so soon. What kind of memories would we have had? what was her personality going to be like? would she look more like me or Jason. the only memories I have of her are feeling her move around in my stomach and those two hours she was here. I remember how she put her tiny hand on her cheek and cuddled up to the blanket. I remember how beautiful she was even though she was so tiny! I thank God that I wasn't able to really remember anything except for those moments.. Sorry if this is really sad you guys. I didn't mean for it to be. I just don't understand why I'm feeling so guilty. And I'm trying to figure out if its normal or if I'm just a bad mom. I think I just need some sleep and I will feel better in the morning. ...I know that God has amazing plans for my life and for Tyler's life and everything happens for a reason. And I also know that God used Ava is amazing ways. Even though she wasn't here that long. I just thought that the random breakdowns were over. I guess not. but I'm fine! now worries ;0) I suppose this is all normal. I just need to trust in God and know that he has a plan and a reason for everything he does.
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5 comments:
Oh Ash! Is it because we were talking about her tonight? This made me cry. I wonder about her a lot, but I know, like you said that God had a reason and a plan to take her so soon. Never feel guilty about loving Tyler though. You are such a wonderful mother to him, and he is so amazingly lucky to have you and Jason as parents. You could never be a bad mother. Ava is safe in her fathers' arms right now, and as much as we want her here in our arms, God just wanted her more with him. Don't feel bad for missing her, because of course you do. You are her mother, even if you only felt her breathe for 2 short hours, I know she loved you more than anything for those 2 hours. I love you Ash, and I am praying for you. You're amazing, and I thank God for our friendship everyday. I don't know what I would do without you in my life. Rest well and I will see you tomorrow.
Ashley please dont feel this way. God does things and we wonder why but just know that he has a purpose for them all. This made me cry and you are such a wonderful mother. Ava is so wonderful in Gods arms, she is the Angel that is watching over Tyler. You know the ultra soind pics where it looks like he is holding something, well I said it looked like a little angel and I really do think that it was Ava watching over him. Please dont be sad. Enjoy Tyler its okay to feel that love for him.. He made me realize what true love really is. He is such an amazing human and I dont even know him. I love you Ashley.. Hang in there!
That is what family, friends and blogs are for to express your feelings openly without fear of persecution. You are a great mommy! Tyler has been put into your hands for a reason. Your feelings are completely normal and valid!!
love,
aunt deb
ps hello steph
I know I will never understand what you went through and continue to go through but I don't know know if you knew that my parents had 3 kids before I was born. They all died in a fire. Long story short, I visited their grave last week and wrote them a letter. Sometimes i feel a little guilt knowing that I'm here because they aren't. It's weird. Anywho, just a little random tid bit. I love you Ashli and praise God that He is still healing you guys. :o)
I can't say I know what you're going though, but I can say that I (and the whole church body) are here for you 100%. And this much I do know, there is no reason for you to feel quilty. Not that it's bad you feel quilty, but you shouldn't feel quilted into feeling quilty (did that make sense???). I can understand where you're coming from. I think it's probably good to cry and feel what's really going on. But God knew what would happen to Ava when Adam and Eve were still walking though the garden. Don't let what happened in the past change what amazing things God has done now. Enjoy your time with the cutest little boy around!
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