scared.

My day has been hell. The feeling is really hard to describe. I cant tell I'm just emotional from being pregnant or if I'm just a nervous wreck. Tomorrow I'm getting my cerclage put it. I wasn't really freaked out about it at all. I was/am scared because I'm getting a spinal..ouch..but that's the least of my worries now. I went to the Dr today for a check up and to get the info on the surgery tomorrow. Dr. Dillon tells me that there are risks with this surgery. Which is expected I suppose. He tells me that there is a chance that the membranes rupture..whatever that means..So there is a chance that two days, maybe even a week after the surgery the baby can die. GREAT. Just what I needed to hear. So he basically tells me that He isn't telling me not to get the surgery but he also not telling me that its really needed. He said most women lose 2-3 babies before they are told they need a cerclage..And I'm sorry, but I'm not OK with that. I'm not going to lose 3 babies before I do something about it..So here are my choices. Get the surgery and hope to go full term and have healthy baby with the risk of it dying because of the procedure...or.... don't get the cerclage and maybe have a healthy baby in the end with the high risk of losing the baby early because of my history... Either way I'm risking my babies life. I hate that I have to make that choice. But I have to remember that either way its in Gods hands not mine. I just cant help thinking that my decision could kill my baby. I know that sounds very vulgar..but its how I feel. To tell you the truth , I will not be able to handle losing another baby. I cant...But you know what. I'm sure the Dr has to tell me the risks..its part of his job. and in the end everything will be ok. That's what I'm praying for. I have really felt that the Lord had his hand on this pregnancy the whole time. He helped me from the beginning and when the Dr's didn't give me much hope he did..and everything turned out great. So yeah..I'm probably freaking out about nothing.

So I have to be at the hospital at 7 am and the surgery will be around 9. It will take about 15 mins.. Which is awesome. I will stay there for a part of the day and go home for a week of very exciting bed rest. Come visit me please!! I would love it.. hospital or at home..I don't care. I would love to have people over to keep me company. Until then, keep us in your prayers. pray that everything goes well before and after surgery. And that I don't have a complete breakdown. thank you!!