THATS IT?

So your probably wondering what my title means. "that's it" well. I had my surgery last week and it went very well. After getting a spinal and going through a ten min surgery, my only response at the end was...That's it? It was so simple. I don't know what I was freaking out about. The spinal didn't hurt, and the surgery was so quick and fun..lol .. I say fun because I was all drugged up and loopy and kept falling asleep during our conversation about Opera. Every time I would start talking I would fall asleep. I think the only uncomfortable part was the numbing medication. It stung for about 5 seconds, which isn't bad at all. So I went in about 7 am. Surgery was around 9am. and I was home by 12:30 pm. My back hurt for a couple of days because of the spinal and I convinced myself every morning that my water was broken. I'm still paranoid about everything, but its alot better knowing that this baby wont just fall out..Sorry if that's a lot of info there ;0)

I went back to the Dr on wed I think.. They checked the stitches and made sure I didn't have an infection. And did an ultrasound to make sure my water didn't break and that the baby was ok. And sure enough, everything is fine. The baby was big and all I could see at first was his/her little and legs. It was so cute.

I was reading this woman's blog who is 34 weeks pregnant. She lost a baby at 10 weeks, another at 21 weeks and another one at 24 weeks. It was horrible. She was 34 weeks along and still had no connection with her baby. Even being so far along she doesn't believe that this baby will live. Like its to good to be true. We all know that she is far along enough that her baby is going to be fine. But after losing a child...or 3, I guess you just stop believing that it will ever work out..even at 34 weeks.

I started thinking about how this pregnancy is different then my last. I realized that Jason and I relate a lot to this woman. I haven't talked to this baby, sang to this baby, read baby books or magazines. Im not as excited and I don't have the connection with this one like I did with Ava. I felt the baby move yesterday for the first time. Ive felt flutters but I really felt her/him yesterday. And I didn't freak out like I did with the first one. I dont really know how to explain it. But just like that woman, I still dont believe that everything is going to be ok. Jason and I talked about how different this pregnancy was. We came to the conclusion that we are scared and are guarding ourselves from being hurt again. which I suppose is normal. I just feel bad. I don't love this baby any less or more then Ava...I just haven't been able to connect yet. make sense? I suppose as time goes by it will get better and I will get that motherly joy that moms get. But I dont think im going to be able to rest or believe it until I have the baby. I guess we will see.

sorry this is so long. did anyone read it? its OK it you don't..um yeah. I will keep everyone updated.

GRACE BAPTIST TOMORROW 7:00 pm. BE THERE!!