swing life away

Well, Stephanie and her husband Are gone. They left for NC the other day. They are almost there. They had a big trip ahead of them.Can you believe they are driving there! The good thing is, the military makes them stop every 500 miles to rest at a hotel. So thats good. I miss both of them so much. I cant believe my little sister grew up so fast. Now she is married and has moved away. I dont think it really hit me until today that she is so far . It has made me so sad.. I know its just part of life, but we are going to miss out on so much. I just pray that the Lord will bring them to an amazing church where she can meet some awesome christians and make lots of friends. Im so afraid she is going to be lonely there. But Im sure God has awesome plans for her and her husband.Well, here are some pictures of us...just some memories.

Christmas tree, oh christmas tree

I'm happy to say that my Christmas tree has lasted the whole month of December!!! After seeing the reports on the news, I was almost positive it would go up in flames. In fact, I dreamed that I lost everything in a terrible house fire caused by the neglect of my Christmas tree. The amazing tree didn't even dry up. I'm thinking about keeping it up year round just to see how long Pamela will last. ;0) (highly unlikely).In case your wondering, that is what I named my tree. In some weird way it seemed to fit. Jason and I started a tradition last year of watching a Christmas Story and Spongebob Christmas on Christmas Eve..So much fun! I hope we stick with it.

Christmas turned out great.. I felt the same overwhelming love for Christ that I have been feeling this past month. Maybe a little more. I think I actually truly felt the whole meaning of Christmas this year. Of course I grew up knowing that it is was the Celebration of Christ birth,and I always say a little prayer. But this year was different. Maybe because I have had to depend on him so much this year.. Its sad that it took a tragedy to truly give myself to the Lord, But I guess it was all in his plan.

The only thing that bummed me out was the vibe at my grandmas house on Christmas Eve.I tried to cheer people up, but its hard when your heart is breaking at the same time. It has just been a hard year for a lot of us. Its hard to understand why Christmas brings out sadness when it is supposed to be a happy, joyful day. I have been doing fine, but when I woke up on Christmas I just felt an overwhelming sense of sadness for Ava. I suppose it is just a human emotion that wont really go away. and its OK if it doesn't. As long as the God is with us we are fine.

The one gift that really got to me this year is a beautiful necklace that my sister Stephanie got for me. Its two white gold hearts with diamonds in it. at first I thought "oh how beautiful. that's a very sweet gift (and expensive gift)." then I turned the necklace over and read what was engraved on the back...

"A mother holds her daughters heart forever"

And I cried. And the gift was no longer just beautiful and expensive. It is a beautiful reminder of blessing that was given to us, even for just a short time.

Well, I hope you all had a great Christmas. I know I did. I'm so glad to have spent it with family and friends! I hope the same for you! love you all!

PS..Sorry if I write about the baby to much. I suppose that's what a blog is for. writing about your thoughts..anyway, love you.

two years

So, it was brought to my attention that I have been on this blog thing for over 2 years!! CRAZY! I cant believe I have has this thing so long. Sorry If I have bored you all to death in these two years, I will try and make my writing a little more interesting...Starting tomorrow.

Anyway, I have so much to day today. Its bad. So instead of being the responsible adult that I should be, I just sat around with my mom watching soaps and eating cookies for breakfast. lol. Oh man. It was fun. I dont really get to spend quality time with her. haha. Its funny that quality time is watching soaps and being lazy. What has this world come to?

So, Im going to Target. gonna finish up some last minute shopping and then send off some Christmas cards. I h0pe its not to late for that.

So what are your plans for Christmas? I wanna know. Im going to my aunts house with the whole family to partake in a huge game of bunco..Im freakin excited. You have no idea. ;0)

love you all.

Its gonna be ok.

Today was weird... I have good days, weeks even...But then I have those random days when I am just a mess. Little things get to me. Seeing pregnant people really gets me.. Having friends call me up to tell me they are pregnant gets to me. Its not their fault, im not mad at them. It just hurts me for some reason. Im happy for them and wish them the best and want to be a part of their lives. I just can't handle it right now I guess. I guess I thought God would heal me overnight. I actually thought he did. But I suppose its all in him timing. Maybe People never heal from losing a baby. Who knows...I just know that God gives me peace and gets me through the day. He will never give me more then I can handle.. Today is today. Its almost over.. Tomorrow should be better.

A lot of people have asked me what my future will be like as far as having children. Dont be afraid to ask questions, I dont mind. Im ok talking about it. I will be able to have children. When I get pregnant I will have a surgery called a cerclage. Basically to close my cervix..(I wont go into detail..I know you guys out there get a little uncomfortable with this stuff.) Anway, I will have the surgery at 12 weeks. Then its bedrest. Basically my cervix isnt strong enough to hold the weight of a baby..so when Ava reached a certain weight, I pretty much went into labor. The cerclage will hold the baby in. But I cant get out of bed except to take a shower, go to the bathroom, eat...Its a gravity thing. The surgery works 90-95% of the time. So yeah, I can have children. I just have to be on bedrest for 6 months...so there ya go. ;0) We will be trying again in March or April. We just want to give Ava her time. Her due date was in March.....


love you all!
AShley

Dr. Phil

So JAZ!!! Here is my update on the Job interview..

It was DUMB!!! Instead of interviewing me for the position I applied for , they wanted me to work for the Santa Maria Times doing the phone lines..Taking all the calls from the angry people and calling people to make them pay their bills...and they would want me to work the weekends..and they only pay 7 $ and hour. Dumb..so I didnt take it. But I did just get a job as a nanny again. Starting in January. I figured That since I will be trying for another baby around march, I shouldnt get a professional job right now. I would just have to quit when I get pregnant..and the lady I will nanny for knows the situation. Oh yeah, and I would only have to work 3 days a week..for 11 hours though...ahhh. but its ok. the baby is 8 months old. HE is sooo cute! so we will see how that goes.

DR PHIL!!!! well, im leaving in a couple minutes to go to pasadena..then in the morning My sister, and friend Caitlin and I are going to Hollywood to see DR PHIL!!!!!! Im so excited. I cant believe we got tickets! Its gonna be a blast. I will post more later about how the show went.

Well, thats all for now. love you all!!!